Becoming a Parent

I haven't done a personal post in awhile so here we go!

My wife Robyn and I have been married for 2 years now. Everything is going quite well if you ask me. While we don't get to see each other as much as we like due to her schooling and work and my constant 6 day a week, every shift schedule, we still obviously love each other and try to do married couple things as much as we can. Tonight was the first time in awhile that Robyn brought up the notion of having children, which is something that I'm not a fan of. What I want to talk about in this post is why I feel like that.

First off, children FRIGHTEN me, probably as much as any jump scare from any movie or video game that I've experienced in my life. The fact that they're so frail makes me not want to hold them. The fact that they're so dependent makes me worry about my free time and finances. The fact that they cry gives me nightmares. I hate unnecessary noise to a grade degree. I just can't stand pointless chatter or background noise. A baby is basically all of that. Why would anybody want something like that in their lives?

Having a child is expensive. Money is a resource that I don't have a great deal of. Sure, I have enough to pay my 'rent' and fund my gaming habit but outside of that, I save. Babies eat through your savings like Pac-Man eats pellets. The whole thing is Robyn wants to have children young. SHE'S 23 NOW. We're still babies ourselves when it comes to age and in marriage. A wise woman once said that it's best to spend time as a couple first before you become a family. A baby changes everything. It instantly bumps up life to the next difficulty and it's not one that you can easily change, least not without dealing with some type of emotional damage. Children are a serious venture that I don't want any parts in right now.

Yes, eventually I want a child of my own. I would love a boy that I can raise up in the Lord and teach him all about video games and the evil man they call John Cena. That sounds like an amazing chapter of my life, but NOT yet. I'm almost 25, quarter of a century. Life hasn't even really begun yet. I'm thinking about things realistically here but I think Robyn is in this fantasy land, where you just have a child and things get progressively better from there. IT DOESN'T. Obviously, I don't know from personal experience but come on, how can your life get much better? The child is definitely a blessing from God, but feeding two mouths is easier than feeding three. With children, also comes worry. You worry about their wellbeing, how they will end up in life and who they're with. It's not just the early stages I fear, it's the whole process. If the child is like be, the only thing I have to worry about is that he doesn't corrupt himself by looking at porn. That was really the only thing I did. I didn't drink, smoke, party, have promiscuous sex, nothing. So, if the child is like me, we're good. Anything else, and we're back to the struggle. For me, right now, life is on Easy mode. Think the first level in an game. I live with my parents, only paying a lump sum whenever I get paid. I do my church work, I relax with my wife when we can, play video games and watch wrestling from time to time. Adding a baby to that mix will change the very foundation of my life. Am I ready for that change? No. Once my finance situation changes and I become more mature, then I'll be ready. No one is really ready when they have a baby though. It's not like a video game where you can get video walkthroughs or cheats for getting past the hard parts. It's a learning experience that kicks your butt. I have respect for all the people I know who are parents or are going to be parents. I just can't do that right now.

I think this is all coming about now because Robyn's sister recently had a baby, so Robyn is inflicted with baby fever and wants one of her own. She forgets that with her niece, she can give her back. She doesn't have to care for it 24/7 as her sister does. It's basically a loan if you will. Children consume LOTS of time, which Robyn has NONE of. I don't think she's thinking rationally about the situation but once again, that's what the fever does to you.

Last point, children to me have this sort of finality to it all, like, this is it. You've reached the highest plateau and that's it. It reminds me of many games after you beat them. Some allow you to continue to play them after you complete them but is it really worth it? Will collecting all the secret flags make you feel better about yourself? You've already finished the game, the story is over. Having a child is like that. Once you have one, there is NO going back.

I'm just rambling at this point. Bottom line is this, having children is just a big responsibility that I can't see happening anytime soon realistically. All it takes is a slight slip up yes, but I'm really not ready yet for the added pressure of being a father right now. I'm trying to cope with the fact that I'm 24 and balding. Can I deal with one major life issue at a time here?